Thursday, September 2, 2010

Callahan [May 30]

The day is sunny, wide-open, and calm as we line our bikes up barefoot along the shoreline of Atlantic Beach. It is our "Wheel Dip Ceremony", the beginning of our voyage, and my folks have come and Anna, Kerrie, and Tyson have come, and we've got a full entourage as we prepare to dip our rear wheels in the Atlantic Ocean and begin our odyssey toward the frigid Pacific.

I have a combination of exhilaration and fear about the morning. Our pre-trip requirements tasked us to complete 500+ miles and a ride of at least 65 miles, but a well-placed nail, an out-of-commission tire, and the postal misplacement of my gear box left me to being 100 miles shy, with my longest ride the accidental 51 miler I did during my second week of training. It's sixty-something miles to Callahan, and I don't care how fast I go, I just want them in the bag. Mom wants more pictures and I go for the ubiquitous one of holding the bike upside-down in the air like He-Man.

The joy and pictures over--well, the joy continuing, especially with Anna and family waving there simply and saying of the Wheel Dip, "Of course I'm going to come"--we are on our bikes, tearing down A1A toward Mayport, the Ferry, and Hecksher Drive, the only continuously pretty ride in Jacksonville, into overhanging trees and water, far from box stores, risky drivers, and the side-effects of urban sprawl. I follow Alex at speeds I shouldn't be doing, 20-22 mph, whipping around small clumps and groups of riders as we crest bridges and leave the marvelous, blue-water Northside of Jacksonville with its craggy jetties and feasting shorebirds in our wake. We're among all of them for a moment on the Mayport Ferry before the ever-present fishermen and grassy sand dunes of Hecksher Drive and Hannah and Huguenot Parks--where, I tell my comrades, G.I. Jane--was filmed, until eventually we're in the foresty-rich Amelia Island and Alex and I stop for the bathroom and are led into a very exclusive country club gym for the deed and incur everyone's awe and jealousy.

Alex goes on after a while and I hang back with others; I'm not a racer, after all, and it is my longest day to date unless you count the MS150 when I was little when my dad basically pulled me the 85- and 65-mile days on the back of a tandem. We're camping in an RV Park tonight (over which flies the Confederate flag, I point out to our Northerners); someone cooks, and I'm sore and it's been a great day. Now to take that sixty miles and prepare for an entire summer of it. Bring it on...

...well, yes, bring it, but gently, and let me stretch first, ice, and do you happen to know a good masseuse?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Shakedown [May 29]

I've ridden 500 miles, Caroline, the racer from UNC, tells me she's done around 2,500. I think most people are in my boat, around the 500 line, where we are not ripped like Hans-the-triathlete with Godzilla calves... instead we are ripped... um... in our hearts?

We're diverse, with Spoorthi ("Spoo") from India who studies with Alia, the beautiful young Muslim woman who just performed Doubt at Carnegie-Melon. Leslie was on staff at the FSU Wesley Foundation -- the FSU counterpart to Stetson's Wesley House -- lost 40 pounds while training for this trip, and lived with a girl I grew up with. Zhiguang ("Z") from Singapore studying at NYU, Annie the New Jersey med student, Agata the Polish-American medical translator in Chicago, Alex student of Israeli-Palestinian relations who ran the Boston Marathon, Brandon the bearded, Floridian sailor going to study maritime law in Rhode Island. Cory, who hears about Bike & Build from Meira, while couch-surfing on her unknown couch. Kate and Anna, North Carolinians, Kate an engineer and Anna the french horn music major who is slowly learning to play all the bluegrass instruments. Hans the cabinetmaker/triathlete beast and Colin, our other male leader, a cycling guru from Durham. Chelsea, a North Carolina fine arts dancer, Luke "the machine" one of four chosen for a University of Chicago Masters-to-Ph.D study program in Greek philosophy. Cassie the indefatigable service leader from Wisconsin and Texas. Justin and Rebekkah, hard-riding Harvard students. Jill, the photographer and published poet who graduated from Flagler in St. Augustine, the oldest continually-occupied settlement in the United States. It will be a good summer.


My bike gear has finally arrived from my place in DC, having spent a few days there after my kindly former landlady thought, "Oh! Adam must be coming to visit!" So when I call about the misplaced shipment, she alerts me to its having been at her house for a few days and then zips it down via UPS to get to me during orientation. V helps me get my clipless pedals on, loosens them quite a bit, then holds onto my bike so I can clip into them, then clip out; a simple motion, but one I must do on the fly, unconsciously, or fall over.

Before we run safety drills -- quick stops, rock dodges and stuff -- Kristian, our boss here until he goes back to the office in Philly, asks if he can make a video of me while I use my clipless pedals for the first time--everybody falls, I keep hearing--"And the video would say to new cyclists," Kristian continues, "'Look! Be encouraged! Not everyone on Bike & Build is experienced!'" But before he can get the camera out I own those pedals and the drills, not falling once (though I do pedal almost halfway across the parking lot before I figure out how to clip in), and unclipping after those quick stops like a boss. Even on the shakedown ride, going through beautiful Ponte Vedra (the ride I always wanted to take, so far away and disconnected from the city with its rich golf clubs, resorts, and beachfront houses), I own the pedals and feel the bike connected all the way through me from my cleats like a good foot massage.

It's a ride most of us don't have access to in Jacksonville: small roads, not too busy, with sights and sounds and happenings instead of the box stores and conformity of car-driven, suburban America and my training. It's such a joy to be on this road, far from the bridges that would get me back home, where Cory tells me about rap artists to which he gives kudos and Alex and I talk at length about the Gaza War and John Wesley, topics on which we've individually spent an overly long portion of time. And at night, waiting for the shuttle from dinner at a local church, we monkey over playground equipment and, in a quieter moment by the slides, Agata asks me about this strange story she heard about a werewolf destroying New York...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

We build [May 28]

Colin and Alex have looked at my unshaven face and declared that we will have a manventure this summer: we will not shave the entire time. Now while I have a beard of sorts, it is unintentional: after trashing my last disposable razor, which I brought with me to Europe and made me for the first time fall in love with straight shaving, I went to the store to buy more... but they were lame. Cuts and rookie marks no matter how deft I was with them. So I went to the store to buy a Mach 3, which I recall being a weapon of choice against facial hair, but Publix was out. So, frustrated, I kept growing a beard until next the opportunity to get a good razor befalls me. Alex and Colin have a good question: "Why didn't you just go to another store?" I don't know, guys, I don't know.

So we take our stubbly faces to Atlantic Beach Habitat for Humanity, the neighboring program to Jacksonville's "Habijax", the biggest Habitat for Humanity affiliate in the world, yet nonetheless Atlantic Beach works its strip of land between the Atlantic and the Intracoastal Waterway efficiently and well in a way that consistently wins them national awards and attention. We join several motivated retired folks on a big duplex, fastening vinyl siding up the walls, sliding the pieces together carefully so hurricane and other high winds won't rip them off. Josh and I work with Ron, an enthusiastic Philadelphian in his mid-60s who still sweats profusely despite living down here for the past eleven years. As we dodge around the scaffolding to the wall, I don't know how it starts, but I tell him of Europe, and he launches into his own grand tales of traveling, which are vast and, perhaps one day, comprehensive. In Transylvania, he says, the castle that is really Vlad the Impaler's castle is way off the beaten path (because he's been there), but everyone else seems to settle for the one they see in the Dracula movies, the vampiric character based on one of Hungary's national heroes who, Ron says, simply turned the invading Turks' own tricks against themselves. "A Hungarian George Washington", he says.

Josh, our laser-eyed Americorps site leader, detects the slightest defect in the vinyl siding as if he were Stevie Wonder trying to pick out a note on the piano, or Zatoichi, the Blind Swordsman beset upon by some angry ronin. It is as if he feels it, and as soon as he feels it, he harps on us to take it all down and put it back up correctly. "A hurricane would rip that straight off," he says, and has a point. He brings us popsicles in the hot, Florida humidity, and everyone is excited, but I tell him I can't have them, as strange as it is, because of sensitive teeth. "Even if my teeth barely touch the ice, I get shivers up and down my whole body," I say, which is true. I can hardly look at popsicle-consumers during ingestion of the things. He gives me a cockeyed look: "I can't eat them either," he says, "I do the same thing." We are not alone in the world. Soon, during the break, we all come down under the shade of a tree and drink from our Camelbaks, hanging on posts, the water-filled tubes reaching around to wherever its owner is standing and drinking from it. I can't shake the idea that we all look strikingly like funny-looking elephants.

Perhaps the coolest thing about Atlantic Beach Habitat isn't just their efficiency or the passion of their volunteers, but that now that those two things have been developed, among other things done well, they can use their funds to expand into other things to fight the affordable housing crisis. Now, for students who grow up in a Habitat house, they have a large endowment that will send them to college at FSCJ (Florida State College of Jacksonville) or UNF (University of North Florida) for four years. They will break the cycle of poverty in Atlantic Beach by giving students the tools to move out of it.


I should say that lately I have heard a particular conservative commentator railing against social justice. He says we should have "equal justice", not "special justice" or "social justice". While equal justice may be a great idea -- that everyone gets justice proportionally and we move forward together -- it's unrealistically idealistic. It's easy to say we want equal justice for everyone when we, like he and myself, have grown up in a life of privilege. Social justice is, in part, giving a fair shake to people who, by circumstances often historical and out of their control, have not received a fair shake. Certainly a student could "pull themselves up by their bootstraps", so to speak, and get to college without aid, but, as a grad student with good credit can attest, sometimes the only way to get this education is to have aid. It is accessible to me, it should be accessible to all who can put in the work. That, to me, is social justice, the kind exhibited by Jesus when he hung out with all sorts of people the Far Right of his time avoided, and anyone who fearmongers about social justice saying it reeks of Nazism and Communism despite it being so much a part of the life and teachings of Jesus like oh you so misguided and destructive Glenn, well... we always get bent out of shape when most of what we think of is ourselves. No wonder he's angry. Giving a hand to another can be uncomfortable. But we are made to give a hand, and we feel the joy in our hearts when we do. After loving God, Jesus says the second greatest commandment is loving one's neighbor as one's self, and then he talks about who that neighbor is, and, in a modern sense, that reeks of socialism. But we're talking about an interpersonal socialism, let's call it community, that we're made for. If it bugs you, it's a reality of our human selves; get over it.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Beginnings [May 27]

Lizz's dad stays around and we shuttle people, bikes and totes and bags and all, to orientation at Sunrise Community Church in Jacksonville Beach. It's been a chill morning so far, with people waking up when they want to, though I am hurriedly packing my bin, keeping this, casting out that -- Paul Tillich and Thomas Merton lay dejectedly on the ground, but I get to take Keroac's On the Road, which I bought for this trip, on the road with me. The shuttling across Jacksonville's great suburbia takes a while, but we all get there in time, and I have asked the first wave to bring a good book.

The church building we inhabit is a fellowship hall with all the chairs removed, this big, empty floorspace. Which is good for us. A tarp is spread out while mechanics from a local bike shop who donated their whole day to this tune up our steeds, there's a stack of bikes, people, people, a computer station to process our information. I'm additionally high-strung because my ordered bike gear was mistakenly sent to DC and is getting sped here by UPS, my insurance card, which should have been here last week, arrived today while I was shuttling people, etc. and I'm frantic... until in the company of life-filled, organic people. All of that busyness is taken care of up front, and I shall not worry about it for two months.

We orientate, do skits about rules (including, for "don't speak ill of a person behind one's back", we make fun of people with glasses and from Massachusetts -- I wear glasses and almost went to school in Boston), learn the rules of the road, etc. Tomorrow we build, but for now we gather our donated green Thermarests and lay in the open space surrounded by new friends and snores at the dawn of new things.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Beginnings (T -1) [May 26]

A day before orientation and people are already arriving at my house. Having a big homestead, situated as it is cut into a hill in big, three-story brick and wood that we fixed up and continually refurbish, it is a large place for two people and two dogs, and still quite large when I come to visit. In as much, the parents are incredibly kind with their space, encouraging me to bring people in to share it (so long as I do the work). So, instead of requiring Bike & Builders, if they come early, to stay in a hotel or the airport, why shouldn't they come here to San Marco, in the shade of our big, front yard oak tree?

Keri comes days before and it is maddening how much we clean my room and square things away. Items from Europe aren't even packed yet. My mostly unpacked rucksack lays there in the open, folded clothes sitting in a basket, not their armoire, etceteras: things left out for a month in the haste and focus of fundraising and training. And now I have reached my goal, and now my dear friend hurriedly slaves with me to get everything ready before she heads off to her next thing, and leads a mission group to Jamaica soon after that.

There are eight people staying: Chris & Lizz from Virginia Beach (who are engaged to each other, and Chris used to be the mascot at UVA), Zack & Jenny from Kalamazoo, MI, Victoria & Allison, from CA and MI respectively, but met at Syracuse, then Scott (another Syracusite) and Christina from New Jersey who, like me, didn't know anybody. Christina comes first. I'm swinging by the airport looking awesome in a huge minivan and I can tell it is her by the huge bike box. She's never been away for this long, she tells me, and I feel bad because I have to dump her at home and double back to get the others, as there will be no more seats available. So I hastily draw her a map of San Marco and send her on an adventure, realizing I kind of look like a jerk, but there's not much else that can be done. And San Marco is a cool place.

Once everyone gets in my dad has taught Christina how to pick oranges from the tree and juice them. It's a novelty for everyone, I think, as it always is for me when I return here. There are beds and mattresses strewn all over the house to make room for people and Lizz's dad who has so graciously driven them down from Virginia. Scott wanders up to my church to get things notorized, Zack & Jenny are watching my Wholpin Magazine experimental films, and I'm dashing and packing while Lizz presides over the stove and dad ferries people to Publix and everyone is working together so that, when the momma returns (my momma), she who could be the most stressed simply gets to go with the flow and eat our food and relax. As expected, Sasha dashes this way and that, and Hank, old brown-dog man that he is, just chills.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Follow us (on a slight re-route)

Dear journal readers,

Due to the winding asphalt of the road and scanty internet contact, I will not be able to update this blog as much as I'd like to. However, whereas I could only do it every few days or so, my Bike & Build team posts a, um, post every day that we have internet contact, charting every day of our trip. If you'd like to follow us this summer, I would be honored if you visited this page http://bikeandbuild.org/rider/route.php?route=SUS&year=2010 and tracked us as we cycle across the country for affordable housing. Additionally, the pencil and camera icons adjacent to the map will take you to our trip journal, written by a different one of us every day, and all of our pictures from the road.

Thank you all for your support. And as for me and my stories, some of them are contained within the stories of my comrades, some I'll just have to type up from my handwritten journal when I get back.

But for today, one thought: the Gulf of Mexico alongside us, in its slight color and quietness and elegance, and 33 people determined to make a difference in the world setting out, chatting with everyone under the sun, their bikes and Camelbacks so hardcore in the Panhandle sunshine.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Graduation

It's like Mystery Science Theater 3,000 in the expansive basketball gym chock full of white foldout chairs, coffee, and tasty things. Jenny and I are in the back of the mostly-empty sitting-places with plates of eclairs and chocolate-covered strawberries, watching a grad on the jumbotron:

"I I can do it..." Jenny interjects for one grad who nervously hoists his gown-skirts over the last step. "I think I can, I think I can," as he tunnel-visions on President Libby, who is reaching out her hand and... "I got it!" he/Jenny exclaims as a flashbulb immortalizes the moment and his expression shifts to relief as Jenny graciously defers to me for the next voiceover.

If there was anyone sitting in front of us, we might, just might tip the scale from awesome to annoying--because only we could rock MST3k for at least four hours as hundreds of students traverse the stage and double-majors cross twice--but we are closer to the smorgasboard of muffins than our fellow viewers, allowing us to be awesome--yes, I'm going to stick with "awesome" as the adjective--together and yet still be respectful as we burst up from our seats at the right moments as the people we left as sophomores cross the stage in their chic, triumphant regalia. I'm usually not a fan of piping in a live event, would rather be there in the flesh, but with everyone packed onto uncomfortable bleachers at the Edmunds Center across the street, it's nice to give my coccyx and sweat glands a relief while energizing myself with double-chocolate muffins.


Jenny has been up here for a few days, and we talk about life and how we are going to take over the world (perhaps this is only figurative) and she whisks me down to graduation. It's great to see the sophomores graduate; it's the last class we were really, as a whole, close with. It's also the last class that remembers our techniques for hiding Bob the stuffed bobcat around the Wesley House, and somehow, right before the graduation party there when no one was around, he winds up moving from the piano to stand surreptitiously on the toilet tank of the girls' restroom...


After the graduation watch-party we join the throng of people coming out of the Edmunds Center, swarmed by families, congratulatory teachers, and so much praise that they deserve. Mima is there, Ali, Karen, and Rob, their whole families gathered round and taking pictures, people doffing gowns in the Florida heat. The Care Bears have never given this many hugs, and the positivity here could power a small city. At least basic electricity, not particle accelerators or anything.

Ryan is also here, I learn as he gets me round the back with a big bear hug. He's back from several days in New York City, followed by a camping trip, followed by what was supposed to be a road trip, but his friend got broken up with, so turned into doing housework at his friend's parents' house but it was still awesome! Now he's mowing the lawn at his mom's house for the first time in six months, fixing all sorts of things, and, to the shock of all involved, shaving most of his facial hair, allowing me to outdo him with my new beard.

We're still serving, just this time it's for our parents, and we're still building up to something, just mine is Bike & Build and Duke and his is EMT school. We're gonna blow raspberries and put our thumbs in our ear aside open hands--to look like affable moose--at culture which tells us to settle down and get a job; we're going to go where we need to go

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Glee

I should have picked freakin' Phil Collins. It's not like any of us actually sound good, singing a cappella into a computer microphone, heard over computer speakers, but I should have gone with the sweet and sensible "True Colors" over the Rolling Stones song that was also on the list... but didn't realize that until day-of when I'd been practicing in front of Sasha for a while, her furry brow arching as I relate my story of interest and rejection, though ultimate assuagement. Meh, I'm only doing this for fun anyway.

I'm sitting like a putz in my neon yellow biking jersey in front of the webcam recording an audition tape for "Glee", FOX's latest hit show, half-musical, half-high school, but not a high school musical. "I've been singing since I was [make the size of a fetus with my hands]" I tell the camera, as to why I should be on "Glee", before I bust out my unaccompanied version of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" while sitting in my chair within the frame of the webcam. It's one of those songs that sounds better with a full band, Mick Jagger punctuating the phrases like someone is testing his rock-hard abs by punching him in the stomach. Come to think of it, I don't know if he has rock-hard abs or not, but it used to be in the performance of his songs he progressively took clothes off, both of which I cannot do (or probably shouldn't do for a high school show), while backed by Keith Richards' unstoppable guitar.

Suffice to say, I bring the noise, but I don't think I bring the funk, and that's alright. I figure, why not? I'll be headed to Decatur, Texas on the July 1st call time, if I made it past the first round, with no possibility to get away, besides, I've got my future at Duke at least somewhat set for the next three years. The audition is overly big anyway, a gigantic public thing that they advertise on myspace and TV and imdb.com and all sorts of places, and performers are advocating for themselves, telling their friends and internet acquaintances to vote for them on this massive venture. I have other things to do. People have thousands of "Gold Stars"; I have three.

But it ain't about the Gold Stars, or being on the show. Too often in my life I have let opportunities slide by, oftentimes right in front of my face, that I do not claim because of fear; the well-meant, but often poorly-discerned reason of others; a culture where most of us suppress our individuality to be a part of the status quo; and a thousand other paralyses that prevent us from taking that step into courage that connects us so deeply to who God made us to be. So, the audition is an easy one to do--online instead of heading to New York or something--and very well within my power; I can't possibly make the call date, but who knows, if something happened, maybe we could work something out; maybe if I do this, I will feel more confident in future auditions... if, if, if... if I don't move on, I still get the experience, if I do nothing, I get absolutely nothing. The worst that they can tell me is no, right?

Besides, they need triple-threats, those who can sing, act, and dance, which probably doesn't make it my cup of tea. If only it were sing, act, and cycle, or sing, dance, and enjoy doing basic algebra or offer constructive criticism on the script, but nope, it's sing, act, and dance. I'm not despairing; actually, I'm thrilled. This year has been about taking steps out in faith, and trusting God for the courage to do so. Coffers are filling for Bike & Build because of so many incredible donors, housing is falling into place at Duke, Ryan and I survived Europe, and I hope to make this stepping out in faith, this slow strengthening of courage, a pattern in my life. Instead of reasoning how unlikely it was for me to get on the show, I reasoned, "I simply want to do this," so I told the reason-you-out-of-it world to put a sock in it, and bam! I auditioned. It's done. A part of my testimony. A fun, totally random story that I can lay claim to to surprise my kids in between my stories of dinosaurs and existential theologians and adventures after college.


Besides, even if I can't catch Idina Menzel when she performs a concert here in Jacksonville, I can always cycle by Metropolitan Park, where she's practicing during the heat of the day, the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra all strings and fullness behind her. She's in jeans, and I feel for her, as does the family from Tampa that has come up for their twelve-or-so-years-old daughter's birthday just to see this. It's not like a concert--I mean, she starts "No Day but Today" from Rent and then stops to say, "Hey, can we do that in D-flat?"--but hey, it's Idina Menzel. I keep hoping someone will notice us through the chain link and say, "Hey, you guys are stalwart fans, why don't you come in out of the sun?" Who knows? It could happen. It doesn't, but it could.

The daughter knows everything about the star of Wicked, from her solo stuff to the duet she will sing with Lea Michelle on an upcoming episode of "Glee" and etceteras. It's like when I stopped by the Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian premiere in DC, thinking maybe something would happen, maybe something wouldn't, but setting out nonetheless, now able to say that I've seen Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Hank Azaria, Amy Adams, Ricky Gervais... everyone except Owen Wilson, and Robin Williams was especially cool after having open-heart surgery, when everyone else just walks up the red carpet, he slides from fan to fan, shaking hands and taking pictures, giving everyone a joke, including the Mexican woman I was standing with, who spoke no English, but with whom he posed for a picture nonetheless, with some sort of energy that, if it comes from himself, comes nonetheless from a deep inner joy.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Beaches

At the intersection of Atlantic and 1st, right down near the One Ocean Pavilion and a handful of other beach haunts, there is literally a Starbucks on either side of the road. Of course, this is along the Jacksonville pilgrimage route to the beach; Atlantic Boulevard used to be the only road running out here, which is why the founded-in-1939 historic Beach Road Chicken restaurant is on this road instead of the now-parallel-running Beach Blvd. This is how people used to get from the rivers and the center of commerce, over the Intracoastal Waterway, to the beach, and this is the way I have decided to ride today.

Getting out to the beach via Atlantic is a hard 18 miles of box stores and fighting with cars, even though every mile contains a few of the diamond-shaped yellow signs that show a happy bicycle on the street with the words "SHARE THE ROAD" beneath it. Today, this bicycle is feeling dichotomous: happy to be free and off to exciting places, annoyed as I pass another of these signs and a motorist honks at me in chastisement for taking up three feet on the rightmost of three lanes. Yarg.

Getting to the beach, though, is a sort of haven. Suddenly the environment shifts in a bunch of ways. Obviously the cars can't keep going East--there's an ocean in front of them--so they peel off down A1A to Ponte Vedra or Mayport and I hop two blocks deeper into the beachy pink and yellow color scheme to 1st Street, one block from the water, nestled among beach houses, with plenty of palm-tree roadblocks to stop cars and keep the street open for walkers and cyclists like me. After feeling I had to suck in my stomach to make room for these cars, here I can ride with no handlebars.

The beach also has a change in populous. After seeing relatively few young people in Jacksonville proper, young folks simply walk around at the beach. Couples walking and tanning at the same time (no one bothers to wear a shirt), a beefy terrier on a leach pulling his owner behind on a skateboard, etc. And everyone, everyone is in beach shape.

But back to Starbucks. Why one on either side of the road? Why one stand-alone, ostentatious drive-thru store looking across the divide to a little one in the mini strip-mall, the signs in the window and the words "Starbucks Coffee" overhead the only proclamations of its true purpose from its diminutive, cookie-cutter strip-mall frame?

I am feasting upon words; excuse me. Suffice to say, I've filmed in front of this stand-alone Starbucks before, spent hours here, and had no clue this other one was across the street. It reminded me of an African watering hole: all of these animals migrating across the Serenhgetti when the rains shift elsewhere, all stopping at the few watering holes available between points A and B. This leads not only to dangerous cross-sections of the animal kingdom--with lions and elephants and stuff drinking at the same bar--but also leads to a few packed tourist establishments along the way. I can't believe that the giant oases we see on Planet Earth are the only ones along the way, and can only picture the local lemurs, standing by their own lemur-sized Starbucks with teacups in their hands, looking out at the crowded commotion across the street and tsk-tsking as one of them squeaks; that is to say, as one of them says in the bemused language of their kind: "Tourists".

these animals migrate across the plain when the seasons change, because water dries up in one place and pours down in another. But in order to get there, they have to cross vast spaces, finding whatever water they can along the way, which leads for dangerous combinations of animals in one place. Lions and elephants and such crowd into one Starbucks, while you know the locals, the meerkats, or something, have this tiny waterhole all of their own that nobody seems to notice, and just laugh, in their meerkat way

Changes

So I've added some new features for my blog, and I need you to tell me how you like them. With blogger.com, one can add a "Monetize" feature that is supposed to show adds that relate to the posts at hand, and as many of the posts are rambling about ethics or completely random, I'm interested to see what comes up.

However:

This blog has never been about making money, and I don't know if enough folks read it to turn a profit, but I do ramble on about ethical things and books and dinosaurs and superheroes, etc.and I'm interested to see how these adds turn out. Please let me know if you think they are whack.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Indwelling

There's a time for everything, right? Like, we who are introverts have to have our moments of being extroverted. We idealists or pessimists have valuable thoughts from our various positions, but, for simple quality of life, we need to spend a good bit of time being realists. In spite of all the relational work Ryan and I have done over the past six months, now is the time to bust my butt and get Bike & Build funded, and Duke after that, in addition to readying a new draft of the play. Somethings one can only do by oneself.

A day goes by, quiet in the gloomy house, with nowhere to go to separate work from leisure, Sasha and Hank bored and sleeping inside as I type on my Mac, the Florida summer oppressively hot outside.

So what does one do? Remember the regimen of prayer at Taizé, how three times a day kicks apathy in the butt at critical moments. Grow a maintained beard. Go to the library for some new CDs and blast Ben Folds, Bon Iver, and Tupac. Ride the bike hard, discovering new routes. And take pleasure in the fleeting moments with friends and in little odd moments during the day when joy breaks in, like watching a squirrel jump from tree to tree, when the dogs brighten up they see their pack leader in the morning, or when Tupac says, completely randomly, "Man, Fidel Castro is a straight guerilla pimp." Even though I don't quite know what that means, it still brings me the joy I get from random things, a joy that is awesome, unexpected, and ever-abundant in a world of diverse stimuli, a China Buffet of disparate experiences, every choice around you so rich, so full of life and delicious MSG.


On second thought, imagine this as a China Buffet in Albert Brooks' idealized heaven in Defending Your Life, a buffet with all of the taste and none of the fattening properties, where you could, if you wanted, eat MSG on everything or have bacon milkshakes. If you wanted.

Arrival

Sasha announces the kind postman with her usual loud barks as Hank, the old dog, sort of perks up his head, says "Pfft... I dun scared him for fifteen years, he ain't coming in here," and sure enough he doesn't, in fact, fit through the 3x8 mail slot and pose any danger to me, but Sasha makes a ruckus nonetheless.

He brings the mail as he always does, with headphones on and scruff that makes him look like a metalhead in anachronistically blue postperson shorts, but then he drifts back to the truck, to the only vehicle in America whose driver side is on the left, and he begins hefting something...

Despite the efficiently-packed box, the bike is remarkably put together. She kind of lights up the room, not only since she is the one clean thing in the room downstairs where Sasha sheds all day, but she is the first new touring bike I've ever had. While my other, twenty-or-thirty-year old ones have had personality and life experience, this one is new, needing someone else to put the pedals on for her, seeing the world for the first time. Maybe the baby bit is too romantic: if she's like anything, she's like a Mr. Potato Head, everything sort of obviously going here and there, but this bike connects to my heart like no Mr. Potato Head ever did. Even the one in Toy Story. Of course, she's not as special as Sasha, but Sasha--giant white German shepherd that she is--only scoffs when we suggest saddling her and riding dogback to the grocery store. They did it in Lord of the Rings, though, which is such an incredible film about stretching our capabilities, yet Sasha is still incredulous on this point, as I imagine our old German shepherds were that Halloween that mom suggested, and followed through, with dressing them up like clowns (including the face paint). They had been scuba divers the year before, complete with tanks. I deduce that it is exactly this disparity between canine species that led to Middle Earth never developing bicycles.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Manservant

This becomes my name as I scurry around the two-tiered deck that, a day ago, I finished painting. Tonight, I am opening wine bottles with one eye, letting the other linger at the oven over the creamy artichoke wantons and its neighboring hors d'ouvres. I've come to serve, and I am doing so in the most traditional sense of the word, topping off glasses and refilling plates at the farewell party for my dad's much-beloved coworker who has left his department with an awesome promotion. Turns out my parents have wanted to have dad's small team over for a while, but couldn't do so until they had someone to help clean the house. Ta-dah!

Yet, in all of the preparation for the evening, I find that I can so easily escape from the gloominess of the house and the never-ending demands of cleaning by hopping on my dad's bike and cycling off into abundant life. I think the challenge of being here is the overall sameness of it, especially when working in the house or novelizing my play, my latest endeavor to re-enliven a four year-old script that's still not done. Nothing really changes here, a sense of constancy that probably really helped me growing up: heading home from work, for example, and knowing that one won't bump into a protest and have to take a different route; or, in a daily sense, if one has a car, one can drive everywhere, be in control at all times, never have to deal with the random conversations while killing time at the bus stop.

At this point in my life, I don't want the constancy. I want a place to lay my head, and I want a task to perform, but I want to be held up by the Burmese monks going to protest in front of the White House, I'll even say I like seeing older, white people walking around with tea bags dangling from their hats, because that's poetic material one can sink one's teeth into. A crowded subway is simply oozing with characters for plays, several different people, on one stage, having one shared experience. Here I am left to my own devices, to think up these characters on my own, to have little outward stimuli except for the study of film and books. I feel much more actualized on a subway reading poetry, or with the wind whipping by me on my bike, than in the car, bumper-to-bumper, as the radio puts on another commercial.

Conversely, there's something to be said for the business partners laughing and cajoling over a bottle of wine and good steaks, lifted up above the wetland scene of our backyard on the white deck. In an era when we let culture isolate us more and more, when we turn to our TVs for interaction instead of our neighbors, this sort of shared experience is, in fact, countercultural. And in the middle of all of this is Sarah, these people's old coworker--and a twentysomething--smiling and laughing like a wedding day, as a bunch of people take time to sit with her and tell her what a blessing she's been to them.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Abundant Life

"[Jesus said] I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
John 10:10

On my dad's 30 year-old Fuji--my bike is in the mail--and thinking about abundant life. Moreover, I'm thinking of devouring the quick lines of the road under my own effort, the wheels quickly lapping up the distance between places through my powerful, wind-whipped sense of empowerment; how, at the moment, a sleeping bag and a book of poetry seem all that I need for life. Free. On the road. Like the person who has just been established as a kung fu master.

When I used to crisscross the Jacksonville bridges as an intern for the Film and Television Office, I remember stopping at a downtown red light and feeling as if infinity was found in a combination of those straight roads and that which was underneath my seat. It was a precipice, a Forrest Gump moment, right before he started running across the country, touching an ocean, and, because he could, running right back to the other coast.

Yet those days were on a mountain bike, which may feel abundant in the amount of things one can jump over, how the shocks take the abuse of constant leaping off curbs and going places that would make the Fuji cry tears of degreaser and lubricant. I have no regrets, but I wonder, in those days, if I ever felt the draw to live life more abundantly and shut it out because of my obligations to get to work on time or this or that. Did I want to ride off into the sunset? Why didn't I?


Training, I miss DC. Jacksonville doesn't have the hills, the grandiose architecture and numerous points of interest punctuating the ride, the convenient bike lanes in every direction, the roads through Rock Creek Park closed on weekends to cyclists and joggers. Conversely, the bus drivers here haven't almost killed me yet--which is a good thing, because one knocked me off my bike once in DC--and here people are much more likely to talk to you on the side of the road, cyclists waving a kind hand, and, if they're dismounted from their bike, they are usually jovial and up for a conversation.

So what is abundant life? You know, the precipice moment where you feel not only on top of the world, but as if you have your whole life in front of you?

Too often I cop out and make abundant life something to do with one's setting. Indeed, in some places, DC for instance, life is almost spoon-fed to you, the diversity obvious, the bike lanes safe and convenient, the people all walking to work at a distance one could reach out and touch them; yet that isn't yourself coming to the precipice, it is outward stimuli continually keeping you on your toes. When I came to DC, weighed down by the defeat of a terrible economy, being turned away by publishers, etc. I needed that stimuli, and so do most of us, I think, for a time, if only to get us out of our own heads and move us toward peace with our brothers and sisters of disparate backgrounds and upbringings.

But honestly I think abundant life, and all of the empowerment that comes with it, is a function of stewardship. Of tending a garden. Of getting exercise. Of pausing the movie and taking a friend's call, surprised by how difficult and purposeful that action. Moreover, this is a stewardship of our own selves, of what God has given us in the beginning and as we've grown: our passions, our interests, our relationships... Abundant life for me is busting my butt to write my play and seeing it finally performed. It's caring for a piece of machinery so that I can use it to cycle through the thick Florida air. It's--heck, why not--it's not dating for a while, then meeting someone interesting, and they say yes. And I can't even imagine what Andy and Tawny have to say about this, staring into the eyes of their sleeping child, she who looks like both of them, learning all she knows about love from the two people so gently rocking her back to sleep.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

River City

I put on my short, tight shorts to go to work. I'm painting my parents' house, and I'd do it in my nearly-dead, the-crotch-is-made-entirely-of-patches Europe jeans, but this is Florida, and it is hot, and I had to borrow one of Anna's pairs of shorts the other day when I was at her house just to survive the humidity; so, since I only own two pairs of shorts here, and can't afford to spatter any of them with paint, I've borrowed my dad's painting shorts which, on anyone except my brother or I when we were seven, would be considered much too short, and much too tight. Even Sasha the white dog fixes me with a mixed look of awe and shame.

The deck falls under my brush before it can even know what to expect, serenaded by all Coheed and Cambria and all sorts of screamo and prog rock my mom just hasn't wrapped her mind around yet (though I've myself tested whether the sound from my little, portable speakers can penetrate the Florida underbrush between our lot and the one adjacent and adjusted the volume accordingly, she still comes out, turns it too low for me to even hear the words ten feet away, and says, "I just don't want to disturb the neighbors"). Honestly, though, getting my mom's reaction to things is half the fun of playing that kind of music.


Originally I thought that this blog would have to end in Jacksonville, then begin again in the same place as we dip our rear wheels in the Atlantic Ocean for Bike and Build next month. Yet, if I am to be honest, this is not home. I have rich relationships here, have seen many of these stores and shops since I was born, then moved away, then when I came back in Kindergarten (aside from the Publixes -- or Pulices? -- that have all seemed to tear themselves down and rebuild on the other side of the street, which totally threw me off). I left here to dive into the places I felt God wanted me to be, and as such fell in love with other cities, monuments, bicycles, poetry, foreign countries, and more. Rather, I'm here (and I'm writing) because I'm here like I've been at every farm and monastery and church that I've been in this past year: I'm here to serve, to make a difference, however small, and to share; though in this particular case I'm sharing with people who have the same accent, culture, common history and familial bonds and a whole host of stories and commonalities that, like all of us, will take my entire life to unravel.

So far, there has been adventure, service, romance, spirituality, culture, creativity (there's even an impromptu poem), and very short shorts. Now there is a new addition: exercise; or, whipping this slightly-padded body into shape into something that not only seeks to make the world a better place but also rides a bicycle 60-110 miles per day. Watch out, straight, flat streets of Jacksonville, because you've got mad business headed your way.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Late posts #4: Noel

Knowing my love for cows, she drives us past a little haven of magnificent Brahma bulls, little calves, and several other great additions to the sum of all joy in the world. Being with her, I remember a girl I met ten years ago at camp, days early in my faith, before I liked poetry, metal, before I'd ever dated anybody or really made my own decisions, and days when folding people into my world with pen and paper was a fond dream practiced only by us as we traded ideas over a long, electric correspondence.

Strange to think of how similar we are, in our opposing Florida water towns on either coast, and how we can be old enough to have a relationship of a decade when I feel I've only lived, as my own person, for the past four years. She's going back to college and will finish in 2011 with dreams of owning a bookstore in the colloquial shade of North Carolina, connecting people with a slower form of literature, one with margins and other spaces to step in and walk among, without the special effects and cuts of film, a medium that requires you to work at it, to dive in with part of yourself.

As much as I love film, I can't ensconce someone as well with it as one can do with a novel or choice poetry. There's just something about those empty spaces, with no need for surround sound, although popcorn helps, and, as always, we should pay close attention to our consumption of Sour Patch Kids, you know, for our teeth's sake.

Late posts #3: Bay City

Florida greets me with a broad, oven sun and cordial passerby decked with college sports regalia, the pervasiveness of which I always seem to underestimate. I have three days here before my dad road-trips to see my play and we head back over the flat state toward the other coast. Yet for now I am in the comfortable expansiveness of the Bay City, which is to say Tampa and its surrounding estates along the crab claw of the bay: Tampa and St. Petersburg and Manatee and Brandon and Plant City (where they grow strawberries), all traversed easily by the low bridges that span across the green Gulf waters where it would not be surprising to see a dolphin at eye level.

We spill out of the plane quickly and ahead of time, and I catch Mr. LaBrant just outside of the terminal train. Things are much more speedy here without passport control and, when the Border Agent looks me in the eye and says, "What's up?" I issue a polite, cursory reply and "Happy Easter," then, as we do, I turned the question around. "What's up?" I ask, thinking I will be asked what I'm bringing into the country (even though I just flew in from DC), my purposes here, if I have any plants or vegetables or monsters that are not native to this area... Instead, she cracks a big, weary smile and says with humor, "I'm tired. I can't wait to go home." Then we're off. That quickly. And I can't believe it. In fact, even the tollbooth attendants are cheery.

Staying with the LaBrants, or Mr. LaBrant specifically, is a history lesson. They are Keri's parents, a friend from college who is taking the world by storm in her own way at Duke. She's a friend who's perhaps most patient with me, listening and offering feedback on all of my film ideas, whether conventional like the myopic look at a student in DC and his community and the way he subtly exerts influence on big things, or the more... um... visionary sorts of films, like when zombies rise up, but they're really all Canadians and nice unless you mess with them or make fun of hockey... This is Keri, patient and encouraging and fun, and her parents are likewise awesome.

But there are three days here, and too much to take you beat by beat. Suffice to say, Mrs. LaBrant has to work, so Mr. LaBrant and I hit the road the next day, whipping around his old shrimping grounds -- where one can walk, shallow, almost all the way across the big inlet to the bridge -- Eckerd College, which he attended in its very first year; the once-Bohemian neighborhood with a view of the beach that contained their first home together and, in typical Florida fashion, is not postage-stamp-thin, five-story condos; and where he could catch stone crabs and where he carried Mrs. LaBrant in from a boat so she wouldn't get wrapped in the seaweed and dolphins decide to show off for us on the pier. It is a good day.

Peggy gets me from a mall Starbucks and we go rather quickly to school. I haven't spent much time in community colleges, where she is getting her AA before going on to study historical anthropology (yes, she's that awesome), apart from filming with a group of students who needed extra hands in Jacksonville. We learn factorials, which are exciting because they are illustrated by an exclamation point (2! = two factorial!), and then the prof takes some time with Peggy and me to tell us about the play he is writing about the two thieves on either side of Jesus. Random? Yes, as is our dinner, too late for Sonny's -- I had been craving milkshakes, which we got at Steak n' Shake, and good ol' I'm-about-to-go-work-in-the-fields-and-hence-will-burn-off-all-this-fat-that-is-smothered-in-delicious-sauce Southern barbecue -- so we go to the local Scottish pub, "The Tilted Kilt".

It turns out to be more of a British Isles pub, before the 1916 Easter Rising and Ireland's subsequent independence (see my earliest posts for that history), by virtue of alliterative names like "Killarney's Killer Baby Back Ribs" and such that I doubt hail from our immigrant ancestors' family recipes from the old country. Nevertheless, they have a killer barbecue sandwich, and Peggy and I have much to catch up about, like the fact that she usually takes on the whole world with multiple jobs and does well, but now she's squarely set on the future, finishing school, and getting excited about anthropology. It's good to hear it. I'm distracted a good bit, though, by the tilted kilts that the waitresses are wearing, a type of kilt that William Wallace might have only worn if he was in Bermuda, or about to go to the tanning bed. Yes, it's that short, and tight, and they wear another, even smaller kilt on top. Not usually my kind of place, or Peggy's, but it's open, and our waitress is a young mom who went to high school with Peggy and sat with us for a bit and needed to talk. In my crew days, I used to walk around in Spandex, and I will be living in biking shorts this entire summer. I'm not a Hooters kind of guy, but people are people, no matter how, um, breathable their clothes.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Jacksonville

Poster child suburban river town, sunrises and eastern tides flowing through the North Florida finance buildings as it did in the days of the Timuquan. Half-Georgia, half-Florida, we are both hick and intellectual, hunter and socialite, rock musician (this is the birthplace of Lynyrd Skynyrd, after all) and symphony-lover. We are dyed-in-the-wool Republicans and quieter, moderate Democrats. We are beach bums and fisherpeople, rowers and Frisbee players. We have a professional football team, but the streets these days are colored with Gator blue and orange, if not because we love the team, then in honor of Tim Tebow, our native son. We are Navy-types who yearn for a new aircraft carrier to bring prestige, and a hundred thousand people, to the city. We are the home of silent movies, of a disparate population of immigrants old and new, legal and illegal, spread over so vast a terrain you don’t have to bump into anybody you don’t mean to. We are the Hollywood of 1920s silent movies, where Colin Farrell came to fame (in Tigerland, check it out), and Limp Bizkit and Shinedown played their first shows. We are the gateway to Florida, our old buildings consumed in the Great Fire, our new ones tearing down and down again as we spread more and more outward. It is a car city, it is a boat city, it was the railway city, before Henry Flagler decided to build the railways further down Florida’s jungle peninsula and take our business to Tampa, Orlando, Miami, etc.

We are an old city of impressive beachfronts and nice restaurants. We are a young city with Art Walk and Riverside and other pleas to get young people out and together. We are a family city, with the space, the cost, the comfortable middle-classness, some of the best schools in America, not too far away from the Northside’s violence and schools that are some of the worst. We are a supermarket city, we are a dog city, and though we are not a biking city, all of the bikers that shoot by will gladly raise their hands back at you in a kind, reciprocal salutation.

I always feel challenged when writing here. In fact, though my time in Europe is done, and the time on the bike – officially, as we set the country ablaze on two wheels – is yet to come, and the fact that I can use the phone, and am now again used to its familiar grip on my soul (seriously, sometimes we think we feel it ring to realize we aren’t even carrying our phones), and that I can access the bank, and make money, and send less-expensive postcards, all of this is reality, but nonetheless, Jacksonville is one of the hardest parts of my trip. In earlier travels it has been a struggle of redefinition, the idea that a prophet (to use a biblical allusion) is not welcome in his own town. This is no longer the case. The play has been put on, people have seen it; people understand and support that passion, even if they don’t really get it. Before it’s been helping the parents. The parents are helped: I enjoy painting the deck Navajo white and scrubbing faucets untarnished and sweating unduly in the Florida sun.

This time it is the dichotomous challenge of having much to do, and having little to do. I am full up on work, gracious for any support that friends can give on Bike and Build, pouring into the unknowns of financing and living within graduate school, novelizing the play so that I can look at the needed changes with new eyes, rather than the ones who created a number of its verses four years ago. Yet, I cannot help but notice that J-ville lacks the central-ness of DC, the idea that if you are in DuPont Circle, you are in the middle of something, a cross-section of cultures; or, more simply, the downtown of any European city, where people come to stroll, play checkers, listen to music, see what’s going on. We have these events in Jacksonville, but they are so far away. I can go to the St. Johns Town Center – the “Town Center” concept basically designed so a mall can create the “city centre” feel that we have mostly lost in suburbia – but it takes a while. Some crave this disparate-ness, for the solitude of a plot of land and space, but this is not me, quite possibly has never been me.

So the challenge becomes, how to feel inspired in a place that seems, on many levels, uninspiring? Certainly we all face this in our day-to-day lives, even in places that we love. A place, even a place with Smithsonian Museums, does not alone make us inspired, excited people. I’m tying this on Word, but with a picture of our Bible Group from Taizé in the background – I’ll copy it later to put online – but for now I gaze into the faces of loved ones, remembering now to thank God for how far the Father/Mother has brought me, and that I’m here because I need to be here, in a spread-out city that grows families, in a grand, old house needing minor repair, not here for myself, but to serve, as it has been all year, just this time to serve in a place I know well, with parents’ whose eyes – like yours -- light up like hummingbirds through no doing of our own, overjoyed simply in our being there.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

We are all searching

An anonymous journal from a friend at Taizé. Worth reading. Search, friends, because I don't want to ever have things completely figured out. What life would there be left if that were the case?

http://christianarchist.wordpress.com/

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Late posts #2: Paris

I meet Deborah at the appointed time, near the empty buses that crowd the Oyak parking lot like remnants of a faster-paced, larger-scale world. I don’t know her all that well, but her status as fellow traveler and pilgrim to Taizé ensures a positive correlation of trustworthiness, genuineness, and fun times. She is going to Paris too, to meet a friend, and, when she heard my plans, said, "Why don't you come along? My friend can show us around." So I'm at the bus, a little unsure of whether the city bus is operating and wondering why she has booked us travel on a gigantic charter bus just to get to the TGV station thirty minutes away.

"This goes to the Mâcon train station, right?" I ask as I sling my rucksack the size of a middle schooler into the crowded luggage space. "No," she says, looking confused, "this is going to Paris." I think about protesting for a minute -- I mean, I have a train ticket and won't be able to get to the station to get my money back, but Deborah has done all of this work booking us travel on a bus full of Germans... Whatever. To be with a friend headed to parts unknown is more fun. We thank the bus driver in three-word French and take our seats.

Soon, the bus begins to fill, and its occupants look at us with a mix of surprise and congeniality. I can't help but notice there are no dudes boarding, and that their language doesn't sound like any German I've ever heard. As we start rolling, and their good-humored chaperones finish a small spiel – that by the sound of it is quite profound – all of the travelers begin to sing, and I learn the answer. Instead of German, it is French, and this is a French girls' school.

I should give a narrative aside: everyone oohs and ahs when I mention "a French girls' school", but when it comes to high schoolers, I automatically put on the “counselor cloak” which loves their company, but skillfully deflects any romantic notions into vines of the rapidly disappearing French wine country. We meet friends, talk about rugby, and watch Zorro in French, although the movie keeps its random bits of un-subtitled Spanish.


Emmerich is soft-spoken, with kind eyes and a legendarily-thick – but still professional – dark beard. He is a student in Marseilles, I believe it was, but was born and bred in Paris, coming home to visit his parents and house Deborah. He knows I’m coming… well, he heard it yesterday or so, and Deborah is confident he can tell me a good – and cheap – place to stay; this is good, because I never hear stories of a “cheap” stay in Paris. Yet when we meet him he tells us there is no need for a hostel: “There are lots of rooms at my parents’ house,” he says. So for three days I live with a French family with my-age kids and dogs, eat French food, drink good, complex French wine, and otherwise feel incredibly blessed at the doors that have opened when, just earlier that day, I felt great anxiety about going alone.


We Lourve it up on the first day, venturing beneath the glass pyramids to the first home of Louis XIV, the Sun King, the short man who invented high heels. It used to be a castle or fortress before those times, surprising some of the archaeologists who have now dug it out so that we can walk, inside and air-conditioned, through the moat. I wonder if, for cardio, soldiers ever had to do laps around the castle. Emmerich says no, because what if there were crocodiles in the moat. It is a good point… even though we know there were no crocodiles in France, especially during those times, imagine the fear of attacking a castle suddenly compounded with the double fear of seeing crocodiles in the moat one has to cross… and crocodiles would have been unknown to the attackers and look triply fearsome… the thought goes into my strategic notebook for when I eventually have to defend the royal keep in a land where there are no crocodiles; yeah, it’s gonna be big.

The Mona Lisa is there, too, smiling at us from behind slightly green, photograph-proof glass. She’s in the huge corridor full of brilliant Renaissance paintings, though I am puzzled by one of St. Francis receiving the stigmata where Jesus is flying and supposed to look like a cherubim, but really looks like a six-winged eagle shooting laser beams out of his wounds into a fainting Francis’ wrists and feet. Impressive too is the Code of Hammurabi downstairs, the famous beheaded Nike statue of Samothrace, and the miles and miles of exhilarating corridors, some transporting you into ancient Assyria, others to their own well-preserved worlds.

Deborah is not happy, however, when we visit the mummified cats, or when we bring it up later. And later. And later. But the mummification process is interesting and well-documented, and I see more species of mummies here than ever before. Usually museums stick to people, dogs, and cats. But at the Louvre there are scarabs, crocodiles (whose skin is so tough you don’t need to wrap it, just remove the vitals and put them in jars), and so on. Of course, this isn’t all you’ll see at the Louvre, just as the characters in The Night at the Museum movies are only a very tiny selection of all of the collection pieces that come alive at night, but if you want to see the world’s first piece of art – two reindeer swimming, carved on reindeer bone – then I guess you’ll have to go. I would live there if I could, for never have I seen such a fantastic jungle of art, people, and history, where you can pluck culture out of the air like unfortunate flying squirrels.


The next day is my last full one. We have a choice of Versailles or Paris, since Versailles, Louis XIV’s second palace – built to be the grandest in Europe, because the Louvre had been recently surpassed – and we choose Paris. It’s difficult to chronicle this part of the adventure, because there is just so much seen, from the church of the Sacred Heart (Sacre Coeur) with its incredibly bright mosaic of Christ with, literally, a heart of gold – perhaps my favorite church in Europe – to Notre Dame minus the hunchback (the bells are all automated now, with no new Quasimodos, which makes both me and Victor Hugo sad inside). We stroll through many other churches and neighborhoods and all with Emmerich’s detailed description of artistic styles and where Gothic and Romantic blend in these features… the Eiffel Tower and how it was meant to be dismantled after the World’s Fair, but has persisted in all its simplicity to symbolize Paris to the world… and the whole city is preserved to an extent that it doesn’t seem that people have ever touched these statues; occasionally we see a toe chipped off of a statue on a façade of a building, but for the most part they look untouched, brilliant, as if a society of statue-protectors has been watching them for centuries and is watching us now…

We head home after a great day talking about how we will go about catching a cat to mummify. We should have done it yesterday, when we had energy, but hey, we could just try and use a net or something. Deborah squirms, we men smile mischievously.


I wanted to end it there with that image, but I can’t. By virtue of being a late post, things have percolated some, and I realize things I didn’t then. I was anxious, scared even to go to Paris by myself, especially when I heard about the price and availability of hostels, but then Parisian doors, like doors in so many places across the continent, opened, and instead of being anxious, indeed, anxious at all, Paris became one of my favorite cities in the world. Conscious of being a third wheel, I made sure that Emmerich and Deborah had friend-time to catch up and stuff, and made every effort to help his kind mother and father in the kitchen, writing them a very gracious letter as I left, but never once did I feel like an outsider, or even a surprise. I have to write this because of my surprise, and how this reminded me of something that Peter Cross said to me back in September, when the trip was still a dream beginning to wake up, when we had just barely heard from South Lincolnshire. I’d written him about my shock at seeing how doors opened with Colin and South Lincs, how surprised and blessed I felt that we looked to be something they could really use. He wrote: “We shouldn’t be surprised about the way God works really. He has his plan and purpose and he shows it to us as and when we need to know.” Amen, brother, amen.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Late posts: the Taizé week rolls on

Brother Leandro catches me quickly after Bible Introduction and invites me to lunch with the brothers, from which I am immediately humbled beyond words. Why, out of the hundreds of young men am I invited, he who talks too much in group and is self-devouring in blog entries and, while amazed at so much about Taizé, definitely is not called to celibacy? This question joins the ranks of all of the other things that I cannot possibly know, and I quickly consider myself blessed and step out, after worship, into the sacristy, which leads to all of the places in Taizé that I never thought I would visit.

I follow Brother Leandro and a 23 year-old American brother to the big house where most of the brothers live, and we all gather in a long room with a spread of veg, potato & salmon casserole (it is a Lenten Friday, after all, and there are Catholics), and good. Burgundian wine from the neighboring countryside. The first half is all eaten in silence, with classical music wiping away any of the apprehension and forcing that I put upon myself when I encounter a new community of people, and I cannot help but feel awe among a room of people that have dedicated their lives to peace, healing, and the very experience that is proving so meaningful to me.

The silence is broken by Brother Aloise, the abbot, talking about his recent trip to Rome. The pope is tired, he says, and I can only imagine the hurt wracking that man. To love the Church with your whole life and then to see people who are supposed to represent it destroy it with their actions, and so criminally... But that is my segue. Sitting, waiting for the pope with him, were four Cistercian monks who, to pass the time, began to sing Taizé songs, even though such chants only come from a tiny community in France, and they go through most of the hymnbook. People wonder how Taizé can do such work with young people and with ecumenism, but honestly good work is being done all over the world. In Russia, he says, Catholics and Orthodox have ceased proselytizing amongst one another and instead, the Patriarch prayed [basically], "Forgive us our sin of division, and help us usher in a new period of ecumenism." People are hungry in China, too, grasping a hold of faith in spite of government retaliation.

It's about hope, really, and how we love others around us. Jesus talks a little about Heaven, but most of his ministry is about ushering in the Kingdom of God here on earth, where the hungry are fed, the poor clothed, where the wolves among us can lie down beside the lambs and we can have peace. This is what I think aches the pope so badly, that this is being undone by several people who have sworn their lives to ushering in this Kingdom. If we are Christians, and we are hoping to usher in this healing, are we scoffing at the Catholic Church or are we praying for them? Are we standing shoulder-to-shoulder and offering healing to the hurting, or are we paralyzed by our blame-throwing?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Light of Númenor

I have seen many beautiful things in my travels. I have walked the immense, cow-specked green of Ireland, I have eaten tapas and witnessed the beautiful, bronzed Spanish people eating them, I have walked where Alice and Wonderland and The Hobbit were formulated, even went on a date with a German girl, but none of them, none of them compare to the squirmy beauty of little Luthien Horner.

I meet her awake, two months into her life, but before words; her busy arms and legs pumping like the Spider up the drainpipe, panoramic eyes sweeping left and right as if imprinting the entire world upon her retinas as fast as she can before, again, she has had enough and slides into a peaceful, log-like slumber.

Andy and Tawny, her fawning parents, were expecting when we left, and Tawny tells me of how she is having to get her wedding dress taken in even more, because – sans baby – she is much more slender than she projected. Instead of walking to DuPont Circle trading stories of Starbucks and ecumenism and the anxieties and plans of early 20s life, we walk with a bulky stroller, minding every step, and when we arrive and lay down to read, Andy and Tawny have a precious new relative to join us, one that looks like both of them, whose body seems to lift off the ground when she farts. The breastfeeding, too, is a new development in our friendship, one I suppose never fails to surprise a friend – or, indeed, a parent – when the first child is born.

At night, she awakens with a soft cry that wakes me on my air mattress in front of the TV, and soon rouses Andy or Tawny to her aid, coddling and feeding her, until at last adults and child together slip into a wistful sleep. It is different to hang out with my friends now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. For one, Tawny – whom I have only known since she was expecting – can join us in smoking hookah outside or occasionally forsake a fruit juice for a beer with the dudes. The main difference, though, is the look in their eyes, the responsibility in their hearts that overflows into everything, the new flood of joy and focus onto the most beautiful little creature I have ever seen.


She cries and, as a friend, I want to find the ninja in the room and fight him off until she is either safe or sufficiently amused. I want to talk some sense into the baby boy who stood her up on a date to play with blocks and who needs to know how special that little girl really is. I want to see those little corners of her toothless mouth curve upwards in delight, but alas, there are no ninjas, or boys, and sadly even less occasion for the stories of Europe, of favorite dinosaurs – the iguanodon – or nonfiction of my childhood, like how Paul Bunyan harvested all of the trees on the Great Plains, and how several men used to have to skate grease across his broad, iron griddle just so he could make his famous, Chicago-sized flapjacks. No, this is a time for her parents, and her parents for her, and for this friend to tag along so graciously aside, taking notes on how to deal and adding to my thoughts on children, already positive, now bolstered with a deeply metaphysical richness I had no idea our physics-driven world could withstand.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

New York

I’m in the JFK Airport continuously putting the same four quarters into the payphone and ejecting them as soon as her voicemail comes on. It’s been two-and-a-half hours, and I’m confused, for Melissa isn’t the avoiding type and we wrote about this visit weeks ahead of time. The phone is no longer ringing: it’s off or she’s on the Subway. I don’t want to miss her, unless it’s off. At 10:30 I’ll find a hostel.

At 10:26 she picks up. “Hi, it’s Adam,” I say, “I’m coming to visit you, remember?” “Yeah,” she says in a tone that is surprised, but always warm; “I thought you were coming on the third or the fourth.” “No, it’s today,” I insisted, before ascertaining the details of how to travel the two hours on the Subway to her house in Manhattan where I check my e-mail and…

Ratfarts.


The story changes: after a long day of traveling, good friend Melissa Gail Pancoast kindly invites me into her home, despite the fact that it is past midnight on a work day, and substantiates the peanut butter I’ve eaten on the Subway with Indian food and good wine. Kate Libby is there, another friend from college, basking in the warmth of her friend’s home after a successful grad school interview; she’s leaving tomorrow (April 2nd), right before Melissa is expecting a friend whose e-mail read: “Would you like a visitor April 3-4?”

Yeah, after 24 hours awake in the company of so kind people, I put on my Guatemala pants that I use for pajamas and turn around several times, tamping down my part of the Big Apple, before I curl upon the couch, letting my hound ears down, descending heartily into the ensconcing darkness.

The French post

Post coming soon...

Popularity

For some reason, I am a magnet of sorts for the German high-school girls. We’re all 17-29 in the young people section (which is the biggest part of Taizé), but there are a number of 17/18 year-olds, and I think it’s my accent that does it. The math is simple:

Brad Pitt = interesting to high school girls
German HSGs = very similar to American HSGs
Plus, BP’s star vehicle, Inglourious Basterds, is a hit in Germany, making BP even more interesting to German HSGs.

BP also = from the American South = traditional American, occasionally southern accent

Substituting the accent for BP, we get:
Traditional American, occasionally Southern accent = interesting to German HSGs.

Yet BP also = 5,000 miles away, whereas Adam = only American at Taizé all week who hasn’t taken the vow of communal life and celibacy

So, in the spirit of making lemonade out of lemons, Adam, who has a Traditional American, slightly Southern, often-mistaken for Canadian accent when he speaks clearly, and who talks much too often about films, even though Adam ≠ Brad Pitt, Adam more or less = interesting to German high school girls.

There. That’s math, how physics works.


This is not the point of the story. I don’t come to make friends; I come to shut my mouth and let my past and near future was over me like the consoling warmth of a warm, directional rain. To take stock, if you will, of the cultural limits we have shattered on this trip, to understand that we have come this far, to raise our Ebenezer as the old hymn goes, and to know deep in our bones that God has brought us this far; that by little glory of my own Ryan and I have been a part of some positive difference-making in people’s lives.

So rarely do we take the time to be grateful or, to take it a step further, to sit down quiet for a moment and experience in our bones how incredibly grateful we are. I have to do this before I get back to what I am used to and the rhythm and the status quo that tries to creep inside and tell us that we have nothing good to offer the world. We say that societal structures are too big to change, that some hurts are too deep to heal, that it is frivolous to create things that have never before existed when we have so much history before us and that everything is just recapitulation. We look at things mathematically in the status quo, and not the type of theoretical math that makes what we never thought possible possible; no, we tend to look at life in the status quo as a selfish sort of dollars-and-cents sort of way. If we give any credence to the Holy Spirit, then we understand that life is always new in some way every day, every day is gray, between black and white, and we are tightrope-walking through each day, trying to be the best stewards we can possibly be with the opportunities we are given.

When Peter wanders off to be by himself, no one stops him. We are hanging out as friends and yet no one thinks he is being antisocial. We can be silent together and yet experience together, whether it’s the subtle movements of a vibrant earth or graceful, welcoming countenance of the brothers. Sometimes we leave each other because we are all on the threshold of a new dawn, and sometimes you have to experience the sunrise for yourself before you can come back and tell the world of the beautiful colors you’ve seen.

German week

Holding the whisk, and given a frightening warhorse or Clydesdale, I would be a terrifying sight, towering all in white above heads of disorderly peasants, dangerous, like I could breathe fire. On closer inspection, you would see that my victorious white clothing is actually a lab-coat-like apron, my wild locks held in place by a white hair cap, and the mace actually a lightweight whisk that only looks dangerous, but the Clydesdale would still be intimidating.

We all have jobs at Taizé, and mine is brandishing a dangerous whisk and a giant wooden paddle (or spoon) as I stir your dinner with my German and Romanian comrades. We eat simply, from French bread, a pad of butter, and two sticks of chocolate for breakfast; to the couscous, pasta, and basic etceteras of lunch and dinner, the latter of which I stir in giant vats that I could easily curl up inside.


And yes, after two-and-a-half months of serving with the elderly, I can’t help but notice there are a lot of attractive young ladies here; I’m not saying I’m interested, I’m just saying that God is an artist and I’ve been away from this period of art for a while.

What new, wondrous place is this?

Watching the young people scamper into L’Eglise (the church), past the signs displaying “Silence” with all of the respect and excitement of students lining up for worship at camp; except without the raging hormones and with the addition of many cigarettes—this is Europe, after all.

My engines are at all-stop this week at the Taizé monastic community in France. My laptop, passport, cards and cash are all tucked away for safekeeping in the office, ostensibly because our dormitory doors are always unlocked, but, for me, because these things always keep my engines moving, and sometimes, in order to take inventory of our selves, we just have to shut down for a week, and get rid of anything that keeps us moving.

We’ve a marvelous sense of freedom, from the simple lentils-and-meat with yogurt and fruit accoutrements and a bowl for water, to the simple floors and wooden benches, the silence of worship and the four-part, repetitive chants that become more and more real to the heart with each multilingual repetition, some of the deepest history of Christianity in these old, Scriptural hymns. There are 700 of us here, mostly young people, and mostly Germans, as this is their Spring Break.

Peter, the only Briton, Soo Tien, a Malaysian studying philosophy in London, Elane, the former-philosophy-professor-turned-United-Methodist-minister-turned-United-Church-of-Christ-minister, these are the people I meet at the train station and then my closest friends. Ramona, a German who though I spoke to her earlier and that I spoke Polish, but I wasn’t and didn’t, and nonetheless, she beckons me to join her in sitting Native American style in worship on the floor and now we are friends too.

I have come hereto wrestle. I’m in at BU. I’m in at Duke. If I’m going to be honest about the decision I’ve got to go all-stop. I’ve got to find the tension where my realities and dreams meet, where my passions can best meet the world’s deep hunger, the radical, hard-to-define place where God wants me to be.

Museums

I leave Ryan and Nick Walsh at a London tube station with man-hugs and hearty high fives. The town is red, as the coat we’ve painted it, focused in pubs and museums. We’ve seen the Rosetta Stone, Raphael’s School of Athens, and some of the best-preserved Victorian bathrooms at John Wesley’s Chapel, complete with Crapper’s waste disposal systems.

We may sound like nerds, sure, but I recall Rachel Weiss’ character in The Mummy Returns, criticized for her Egyptological interests while doing research at The British Museum—where we saw the Rosetta Stone—and she, with Brendan Fraser and a bunch of bearded guys saved the earth from certain annihilation at the hands of a 4,000 year-old, risen mummy. So please, don’t judge until you see Ryan, Nick, and me give the undead a what-for.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Taizé

Taizé tomorrow, and many blogs needed, but no time now to put them to screen. Much love, you all, and be back with you after a week.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Gumshoe farmer

Chris shows me his worm farm and assures me that he didn’t have his own worm farm until he was fifty-five, and that I’ve got time, which is the same thing many people tell me about marriage. It produces a lovely compost—the worm farm, I mean, not marriage—which he uses with his sitting-undisturbed-for-one-year regular compost, spreads over ground that he has dug only once for aeration (don’t want to disturb the microorganisms in the soil) and plants many of the vegetables that they eat and the apple pie of tonight.

It’s a far cry from his career as a detective in Peterborough, which he still dabbles in as a speaker across the world, since he pioneered digital ways of presenting information to a jury that takes them out of their seats and puts them out of their seats and in the crime scene. One can see the fingerprints on the trash bags, get a 360º view of the room. He busted one of the biggest murder investigations in this area, one we heard about long before we realized he and his wife, Pat, are avid members of our congregation and how we serve lunch club with Pat every other Tuesday. We watch earth in BlueRay and ooh and ah at the great white sharks leaping out of the water, reminding me how I never want to surf in Australia.

Glitz and Glamour

When we brainstormed with the Youth Club about our film project, we received many different thoughts, from Mia’s “Rapping Vicar” (which we will film next week) to Shawn and Nathan—some of our youngest ones—saying, “What if… I were ‘Sausage Man’, and he was… ‘Potato Guy’, and… he could have a sniper rifle…” and so on. Oh, to be a middle school boy again: the Wild West or zombie-ridden frontiers of our minds.

Rebecca writes a murder mystery a la Death on the Nile. She casts and stars, after the as Constable PC Mc’D, sent in to sort out the Vicar’s death. Everyone’s got a motive—the gardener whose flowers the Vicar said were rubbish (compared to his own flowers), the woman the Vicar won’t let eat chocolate because she’s on a diet, a woman steals from the collection plate, and another plays pranks—yet when Rebecca/PC Mc’D delivers her verdict, everyone seems strangely surprised, and everyone has an alibi. It’s then that someone asks, “Where were you?” “He had it coming!” Rebecca/Mc’D cries, “You’ve got me! I’m the famous serial killer of vicars! It’s my job! The Mc’D stands for… McDeath!” Then, as the congregation tries to trap her, the lights shut off, and McDeath escapes… which is another way of saying Rebecca tries to escape through the door, but someone has accidentally bumped into it so she pulls and pulls and then dashes to the bathroom in the back of the shot and ducks in just as the lights come back on, a little black blur in a room the audience will never notice.

PC Mc’D, which we have briefly called “The Mc’D Chronicles”, is the program right before “Thurlby Youth Club Action News”, the rest of our film, which is our way of telling multiple stories within the same medium. Included are retellings of the parables of the Lost Silver Coin (with hand-chiseled chocolate bunnies) and the Good Samaritan, with Sophie, the smallest girl in Youth Club, as the vicious leader of the gang who beats up our traveling salesman: “Give us the bag,” “What a coincidence, because that’s exactly what we want,” “Okay, just don’t beat me up!” “Tough stuff, because that’s what we want too.” It’s a tough shoot, plagued by giggles, but the night’s cold does its part and they become cross with us—me, Ryan, James-on-camera, and Rebecca: the four directors—around the tenth take and suddenly they become laugh-less gangsters! Then we jump up and down because that’s what we do when we get a good take at Youth Club.

One of the most popular ideas is to do something concerning East Enders, and we consider going to the library and renting multiple seasons in order to incorporate their interest with our focus. Then I watch part of one show and immediately wish I were the humanoid figure in Ryan’s latest drawing—the one being held by a T-Rex, screaming “Don’t *#$%@^* eat me!” (literally) while the carnivore breaths tricolor fire and balloons and confetti fall all around—that to continue watching the show. Turns out it’s a Soap Opera that has been running for 25 years (they had a live show while we were here to commemorate its quarter-century accumulation of years) and is known for its dramatic endings and hopping from one couple’s fight to another. After 20 minutes I realize Ryan and I cannot possibly make a skit about this—not only is it obnoxious, but there are also a bazillion different characters—and the kids are sad. That is, until we tell Katherine, the most sad of the bunch, to “Write everything that you like about East Enders, and then read it as fast as you possibly can.” She does, with no shortage of Valley Girl “likes”, and comes off surprisingly awesome. Though it has nothing to do with our storyline, it brings youth alive, and I believe there is something so tangible about God in that. We’ll use it as an East Enders commercial, and as cheesy as our commercial is, it’s not too far off the adverts for the real thing.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Folks

Our youngest lay preacher with 21 years and a “Mr. Grumpy” tee shirt snarling at the TV in German during a moment of fellowship. Chris Ballard, one of our fellow under-forties in our patch, has invited Ryan and me to come over and rock, and we oblige heartily. Tina, his poor mother, can only be perplexed as Chris growls “Du hast!” and the other lines from Rammstein and me Kings of Leon, as Ryan ignites the guitar on Guitar Hero 5. Yet Tina is the most unbothered mom I’ve ever seen when Chris begins to teach us [real] drums—the basic rhythm 4/4 going high-hat/bass, high-hat, high-hat/snare, high-hat—and we are pleasantly surprised by our ability to perhaps-one-day-rock-on-percussion. I think of drums often how I think of tuba, which is fun and an exercise to do by oneself, but can be nails on a chalkboard to mothers; Tina, however, only pokes her head in to find out if Chris were continually belching or, in fact, singing Rammstein, and to tell me I probably shouldn't sing "Sex on Fire" in church on Sunday.

So we don't, and instead I lead the Deepings St. Nick congregation with some folksy arrangements of classic hymns. I have to say, ever since playing "Froggie Went a'Courting" for the Girls Brigade, I've had a fixin' for folk. I've only ever owned an acoustic guitar, and it's relieving to play a style that sounds best that way, since my attempts at emo and metal never quite work out on strings that play "If I Had a Hammer". There's something about seeing the girls' cheeks go smiley and brows furrow with confusion as I relate the tale of Froggie's proposal and subsequent marriage to Miss Mousey, and the disaster that befalls them as the big, black snake--the scalawag--chases everyone away and eats up all the wedding cake. With folk hymns any trace of formality falls away, and the style itself invites folks to sing along and, if I'm lucky, dance around. Perhaps someday I'll rock Nirvana and Skynyrd, but that's for a future stage of life, possibly when I can conscript my wife and kids to play along with me, like the Von Trapp family of death metal.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The interview of my life

In light of my birthday, and since Ryan is busy rendering video from the Youth Club film we just shot—all of the sudden wisdom that crashed into me on the hour of my birth, March 3, 2010 like a squirt of Spring-like green food coloring into clear water, those lessons immediately learned in that historical moment about the order of life and the universe that comes with being a year older and demand to be uncaged like a rabid, cornered Chuck Norris—I have no choice but to interview myself. Meet question and answer:

Question: Where were you on March 3rd, 2009?

Answer: I was finishing up the final few weeks of my internship with Presidential Classroom in DC, living in the Georgetown University Conference Center Hotel, with my students all around, and there wasn’t really much snow in DC. I used to go running in it, if you can believe it. I was living with Ben and Corey and cycling among three beds—a proper bed, a pull-out, and a cot—though we fibbed to the girls that we forsook the smaller beds in order to sleep side-by-side on the bigger ones. I think maybe we got one of them to believe it… maybe. Anyway, one can really chart this year by the kinds of beds I’ve slept on.

How so?

Well, like I began doing that, then there were no jobs, so I moved to the attic of DNCCO’s—that’s Dixcy, Nolan, Colby, Colin, and Oakley—house and slept on a palate. I babysat and washed up and occasionally hefted whatever Nolan wanted me to heft. Housesitting for them was weird, though, since Oakley (the dog) would hear the alarm go off at 4 AM, roll over from where he was with his back to me and lick me straight up the face. It’s the kind of kiss I imagine my wife will be giving me someday, half asleep in the morning, but Oakley was cool and I don’t think he meant to be awkward; I mean, he’s a dog and walks around with no clothes on, totally unashamed.

Anyway, when my time was up with DNCCO, I moved—still at Starbucks—to sleep on a pull-out chair in Dr. Hyland’s living room because she and her husband consider it their mission to provide affordable, in-beltway housing to bound-for-grad-school folks like me. It was still very much a living room, with white cloths over all the couches and no door except for an oriental-like dressing screen. She used to come in all the time and offer me Korean food—she was Korean, by the way—and I had some great roommates, though I was always asleep when cool things were going on; a fie upon the morning shift and it’s infringement on social life!

I can’t count the beds I’ve slept in hereabouts in Europe, but I’ve overlooked Spanish mountains with a new momma pig five feet away, stayed in an English manor house (without serfs), you know, all sorts of things. I think my favorite was memory foam. Yeah, definitely. I don’t usually sleep well on comfy beds, but memory foam is ambrosia.

Are you any closer to sharing a matrimonial bed with someone? Finding a future Mrs. Darragh, I mean?

What if she hyphenated? I think hyphenation would be cool. Or not. I already have my name. I guess it’ll depend on how much she likes her last name. See, my mom hyphenated and I always respected that. If it’s like “Smith” or “Gertrudestein” then she may totally want to change it, but if it’s like “Wolfsbane” or something, I think that deserves to be kept.

Let’s put it a different way. Are you playing a gentleman caller to any young ladies?

Oh yeah, sorry. Not in the plan, but I got the chance to love someone reciprocally this year and that was nice.

Moving on to jobs, what do you think now that you’re a year wiser?

I still don’t like spending eight hours of every day doing something that I don’t want to do. I have no qualms about having a job, I just want to do something I enjoy doing.

But isn’t that just a reality of the working world?

Maybe. Have you ever seen a sea cucumber mad?

You mean when it turns itself inside out?

Yes, that’s right. I am a sea cucumber, and when I get into one of these jobs where I sit on my butt or do uninteresting stuff, it’s as if my backside gets sucked through my face, telling whatever is bothering me to go away in the strongest body language possible.

That’s awfully graphic.

I don’t think so. It’s science.

Whatever. What do you want to do, then?

Film, working with people, touching people’s lives, calling us all on a personal level to right the injustices of the world, logistics—which is a kind of math I like—all of it, and at the same time. All of it involves people, so all of it involves ministry, ethics, film plots, and poetry. That’s just how it goes.

Are you a poet too, then? I haven’t heard you mention it before.

Yeah, but nobody really knows about it other than when I randomly sit down like in Christ Church Cathedral at Oxford the other day over the W.H. Auden stone and jot down a series of thoughts. Literature elites and girls aren’t swayed by unfinished poetry.

Tell me about writing in the new year.

Twenty-three was a great year for writing. All of my success, really, came during that year—after the Florida Times Union dangled my op-ed piece for months and finally dropped it, I published my first article with the aid of a wonderful editor on the blog of the United Nations University—which was awesome!—and “Married and Ravenous” finally saw its direly needed rewrites and premiere after three years of nothin’. Now, it’s like moving on from an old, good relationship. I’ll always have that play with me, but I can both finally move on and finally know these years were not ill-spent, after focusing on it and not other things. Then I became a blogger.

And have you learned anything in particular as a blogger?

Yeah, that’s it’s really arrogant and self-devouring to interview yourself as a type of narrative.

You think so? Didn’t Stephen Colbert do that on TV?

My point exactly.

Well, what about your birthday in general? Free reign. What’s that they say in old school rap? “Spit it”?

It’s been a great year, and I can’t praise enough the meeting of Rachel, Andy, Tawny, and traveling Europe with Ryan and our awesomeness together on two continents. All of these things are almost better—nay, definitely better—than the prospect of seeing dinosaurs for real in the flesh.

Excuse me, what’s with dinosaurs? They seem to feature prominently in your writing, as well as dragons. Why is that?

Well, dragons are just pyromaniacal dinosaurs with awesome, scaly wings. Can you picture a stegosaurus with flames coming out of its herbivorous nostrils? I think there will probably be one in Heaven beside the live AC/DC concert with the original lead singer. But really, it’s been a great year. I’m on the eve of a watershed moment in my life—which is to say, from my early twenties, the decisions that affect the rest of my days, my career, my fam, etc.—and for the first time in my life I look forward to having a place of my own and a few year steadiness where I can study and tell stories and host friends (I haven’t been able to do that since January 2009), and hopefully make a positive impact on somebody; oh, and I’d like to play lacrosse and knock people over with sticks, but not like hockey because I’m really bad at ice skating.

Do you have any regrets?

They aren’t much good to me, regrets. I could say that I regret turning down a ride from the Production Coordinator on the one film job I got in DC, opting instead to act macho and cycle fife miles home in the rain, not realizing until I was halfway down the Maryland hills that I’d missed my chance to chat with him, create the bond that convinces him of my character and makes him want to hire me for future gigs. So I missed that, and didn’t get another film job the whole time, but if I’d gotten that chance, this future would be different, and I love where I am, I’ve just learned.

No, really, I just miss my friends strewn about the country and world. Kevin and my brother are overdue for a visit, and if there’s one un-ideological thing I want to do this year it’s to afford a ticket to come visit them. That and add abs to my daily pushup routine.

Recently I heard that you didn’t get into Emerson College for film school. Do you regret that?

Never. I poured into that ap and didn’t get it. Big deal. I have no desire for Emerson to be consumed by any monsters and I refuse to regret it. Beware of a fortuitous moment: walking around Oxford yesterday, I felt an almost overwhelming desire to be back in religious scholarship, making a difference in students’ lives, asking tough questions, the liveliness of a university that spans many departments. I can make my films in a divinity school. I must. It’s who I am. It’s just harder that way… requiring me to acquire everything on my own instead of having cameras, lighting equipment, and editing facilities at the ready, not to mention trained and ready crew. But most of my scripts-in-progress are for want of experience div school provides—like the daily workings of a hospital chaplain for my existential piece about hope in a DC hospital on Christmas Eve—and Duke, which was supposed to bin my application months ago after my deferral was up, has offered me a scholarship it only offers to four people a year. And Lauren Winner—whose work has sparked another one of my screenplays, this one about family ties and burial customs during Sherman’s march in the Civil War (I swear most of my film ideas are uplifting)—is a professor there, and she is awesome.

So are you going to Duke?

I don’t know. What do you think?

I don’t know. Now that you ask that, earlier in this interview you mentioned being self-devouring. How do you see that?

Well, you’re me. You can pretend you’re not, but you’re that investigative side that tries to be strong for everyone and say I’ve got it all figured out, but you’re the entrée, man. I’m cathartic and spun-around and that is how life is and it’s nibbling at your security. Mystery is more prudent at this juncture, man, so throw off your professionalism and dive into the pool that’s been sitting outside of your house for so long and has made you so curious you can’t take it.

You’re mad at the world.

No, I just rage against the machine. Heck, this is the year of Kiefer Sutherland. I have as many years as hours in a day. I see the circular holes that culture tries to fit us in and look at all of us and see a bunch of square pegs. I see the impermeable political talking points getting punched through by the hard rain of reality. I see the much sought-after money as illusory when compared to the wealth of our portfolio of friends, talents, families, taken-care-of bodies, and a spirituality that seeks to heal the wounds of the world. What is culture but the furthering of thoughts of those before us; and yet how few of us take charge of the fact that God has given you a sphere of influence? It is your family! It is your work and friends and the passerby on the street! For me, I will make films that defy convention. I will write poems that will make people either touched or mad, hoping not to be in the in between. I will nurture my relationships, I will pray, I will serve, I will challenge and protest, I will touch, I will taste, I will love, I will give. I am not your monkey, world; I am not your monkey at all.